“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.”
Psalms 23:1-6 NKJV
I remember talking to my mom around 6 or 7 years ago. For context, I have always seen my mom as a happy, joyful mama. I have watched her through some of the darkest seasons in her life, and yet she always made us feel loved and cared for. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t trust she would be there to hold us when we were down, with a smile on her face. Well, she mentioned how depressed she had been in a certain time of our lives despite the life she had. I had always been unaware of this and it broke my heart hearing that my mom, the woman who I am closest to in the whole world, was struggling and I didn’t see it. We have 7 people in our family: my parents, 4 brothers, and me. I vividly remember her describing it by saying “I felt alone in a house full of people.” Sadly, I now understand what she truly meant by that. You almost feel like you are watching life from an outsider looking in, rather than feeling present and fully aware. I feel like my eyes are fuzzy and I can’t focus all the time. I try to put on a smile for the wellbeing of my family but a lot of the time, the issues in my life are something I can’t fully understand nor do I even want to speak. I have so many people who love me deeply, and yet I still feel lonely. I know that there Lord is always with me, but it doesn’t change the grief and emotions that come along with huge life altering situations.
There is a constant need, I am thankful to be needed and serve a purpose. But many days I am running on a default mindset just to get it done. I find it so much harder to tend to this weary mind but duty calls – and i refuse to serve myself first when it comes to caring for my son. I am grateful for the people in my life who make a shower, or a night out possible. It is so necessary, but in this season of life, even getting out of the house to get something done takes HOURS longer, but I’m okay with that. It comes with the territory.
I struggle so much with conflicting emotions. I am constantly bouncing between hundreds of emotions and thoughts – some understood, others that I have yet to process. This blend of feelings combined with countless situations and circumstances that I am trying to deal with is so overwhelming. I rarely bring it up out of the worry that it would burden someone else, or that they’d think I was victimizing myself for empathy – both of which I make myself believe is easier to live without. I think it is better for me to keep it all to myself, carry myself seemingly well; but it just makes the subconscious weight of my thoughts that much heavier. Overall, I am tired – physically, mentally.. All the things. I am tired of being tired. The war within my mind where the white flag was used to wrap around wounds – there is no surrendering in this fight. I never feel comfortable letting my emotions out, but doing that makes it harder for me to manage – it feels like choosing the lesser evil. (even though I know it’s not)
Having an almost 3 month old, he is attached to my hip. There is a love unlike anything else when your child stares into your eyes with such a beautiful dependence to you. Loving them and caring for them is such a fulfilling role to be in because no one else knows your baby in such an intimate way. But like everything else in the world, my son doesn’t complete me. He sure does deepen my purpose in this life though. I have always struggled with depression but it isn’t consistent and the “flare ups” as I would call them, are not seasonal but circumstantial it feels like. It comes up if I am struggling with a certain thing or defeated within a large area of my life. It doesn’t consume me, but I war against it hard and most times I don’t realize it until I’ve been in “the weird funk” for a little while at that point.
But I’m the midst of processing all of these things, I do not want to give power to thoughts that draw me away from the hope of Christ. I know that in Him, through the water and word of baptism, I am His child and Through His Spirit I can walk rightly, though I will still stumble and fall daily. His grace and forgiveness covers my falling short. I am still being intentional about constantly growing, whatever that looks like day to day, even if my fight for holiness is more of a mental battle that others don’t see, I know the Lord sees my efforts and right intentions.
My times of loneliness are valid but I also know that the Lord is my strength, and in Him I find rest. If you have been through this or are currently struggling, know that the Lord is with you always and He sees everything. Others may not, but they aren’t meant to. Only the Lord can complete us and give us peace, everything else in life is additional. I will continue to love the Lord by doing my best daily despite my inability to be perfectly holy, and this is the endless, fleshly, struggle and groaning we will face until life eternal.
“Let my cry come before You, O Lord; Give me understanding according to Your word. Let my supplication come before You; Deliver me according to Your word. My lips shall utter praise, For You teach me Your statutes. My tongue shall speak of Your word, For all Your commandments are righteousness. Let Your hand become my help, For I have chosen Your precepts. I long for Your salvation, O Lord, And Your law is my delight. Let my soul live, and it shall praise You; And let Your judgments help me. I have gone astray like a lost sheep; Seek Your servant, For I do not forget Your commandments.”
Psalms 119:169-176 NKJV
Christian Wife And Mama 