“For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.”
Romans 7:15-17 NKJV
I know that I will never be enough without Christ, but I often fall into the drowning feeling that I am not enough in Christ for others either. I sometimes fall into the pattern of making decisions based on the pressure or fear of disappointment that I will receive if I don’t do things a certain way.
I have a MAJOR goal in mind, critically processing the best course of action to accomplish it. I find myself trying to motivate myself through all the hurdles I realize and when I can’t find a solution that will end in completion, I lose steam and feel drained and disappointed in myself beyond understanding. The thoughts of how others will react flood my brain and all I can think about is knowing I will not be enough to deliver seemingly basic and simple tasks that would take the average person a few minutes.
Why does it take me so much longer to get things done?
Why can’t I just focus and put things back the moment I use them?
How on God’s green Earth do I not realize everything out of place that is around me?
And finally, why do others’ judgements of my efforts weigh more than my hard work and spent energy?
I’m getting exhausted of trying to explain why I am lazy, why I don’t just simply get it done fast and easy. In this cursed, fallen world, my brain has a major defect that basically wars against any and all parts of my brain that handles executive functions. As much as it would be nice for this to just be an excuse tossed into the mix, it isn’t. I wish I could say it was. I spend so much of my energy trying to STAY focused, do ONE task at a time, and complete them. Sounds sooooo simple, I know. But it simply ISN’T.
I have an ongoing list running in my brain 24/7 that makes it hard for me to pay attention because I want to be efficient but it does the complete opposite. As I am sitting here writing this, my brain is repeating:
- Change Parker’s diaper
- Unload the dishes tomorrow
- Go through the gifts and organize them
- But declutter first so you have room
- You need baskets to organize better
- Make sure to take the clothes out of the dryer
- Organize under the kitchen sink
- You still need to clean your car out
- And get a filter for the sink water
- You need to get rid of some clothes
- That storage room looks horrible, gotta fix that
- Take out the bedroom trash
- Take a shower at some point
- Parker needs a bath first though
- READ YOUR BIBLE AT SOME POINT
- I’d like to write a psalm soon
And the list could continue forever…
Point is, I feel like no matter how many resources I look up, steps and shortcuts I use to curb my weaknesses, I will just never reach the standard of what it means to be a “good homemaker”. Because my home isn’t clean but my family is fed and cared for, I am not fulfilling my role. But I don’t agree, because the result of a messy home does NOT communicate how OR why it got there.
Organizing is so good for my mind, I LOVE a clean house. In the same way, a messy house is overwhelming and draining for me. It almost feels like I have short term memory loss of what I was just doing, or like I’m a dog who doesn’t realize that I have tracked mud through the entirety of the house until it is too late. Unknowingly, I use things and set them down: EVERYWHERE.
The other way my actions result in a crazy looking house is when I start cleaning and then flow with my thoughts. “Clean the sheets” so I take them off, but then see clothes on the floor so I start putting them on hangers. I pick up the dirty clothes to take them to the basket in the hall, and I see that I didn’t put my clothes in the dryer. So I take the lint out and throw it in the trash, only to realize the trash is full so I tie it and put it outside. I see that I have jackets on the chairs, so I go to put them in the closet, but I lay them on the unmade bed without sheets because I wanted to clean up my nightstand. And by that point there is a pile of dirty clothes by the washer, a basket of clean clothes that just looks like a mess, a trash can with no bag, and clothes on the bed that is sheet-less. By the time I realize how tired I am feeling, everything looks like a complete mess and it looks as if I haven’t moved from my side of the bed all year and didn’t care to even try.
But that’s the problem, I try so hard and the looks of it never truly communicate the dedication and exhaustion that comes with warring my brain daily.
And that silent but deadly war is known as ADHD.
But Christ is my strength and my refuge, in Him I find the only true peace that surpasses all understanding, and I look to Christ Jesus who is our hope knowing that He gave His life to give me life, therefore I will rejoice in Him and work towards being better daily. Focusing on His word and being encouraged by the Lord of glory, evermore.
“but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”
Philippians 2:7-11 NKJV
Christian Wife And Mama 